Gym and exercise thinspo

So this is kind of a continuation of my last post. It inspired me to make this post. Hopefully it will help motivate me. 

That's all I'm gonna post for now. This post was short since my last one was so long.

-Toxic 

Scared to weigh myself now

I've been bingeing again and I know I've gained weight. Its 4 am and I just ate a cosmic brownie and some milk and then stopped myself from eating more but feel so out of control. I'm not sure if it's being influenced by the end of semester stress or all the things I know I still need to get done before winter break or my huge test I took Sunday or coming off my Prozac or my instability at my job and my finances or the holidays. I think it's a big combination of all of this. 

My stomach hurts. I binged on Chinese take out, cookies, cheese potatoes, and cosmic brownies before bed and I just hurt so much now. My body hates it and so does my brain so why do I keep doing this again? I need to stop. I was 149 in June and now December and I'm over 170 lbs. if I keep this up I'll be over 180 then 190 soon and I can't let that happen again.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym before work. I might get my friend to go with. I can vent to her about this and she will help. She understands what I'm gong through all too well because she also has disordered eating. I just need to cope without binging. It's just so hard right now. I have so much going on in my life at the moment. 

I'm going to be counting all my calories again and being careful what I eat. I will stop letting others influence what I eat and stop snacking on bad foods and binging at work. I do it all the time there. My time at work is spent constantly eating to get me through my day cause I'm having such a hard time at my job and can't emotionally handle it. Rather than eat I'll start doing other things like stepping out and taking breaks to just breathe.

This is getting to be harder than I thought. My binging has never been this out of control. Not for years. I want to be skinnier and not ache from being so fat and inactive all the time, and cope with this stress and these emotions without food like a normal person. My weight is spiraling out of control and I hate it. I feel bad saying this but it's making me miss bulimia. At least then I controlled my weight. 

I want to get better and I want to get thinner. This won't happen if I continue like this. Sorry I just really needed to vent and get that out. 

-Toxic 

Coming back down, and everything is busy.

So my weight this morning was 168.8, which sucks but I was 171.6 Monday morning so my weight is coming back down which is a good thing. I did just eat some chips and salsa which I'm kinda mad about but I stopped before it got too bad and my cals for today are 1,017. Fuck that's high, and it's only 3:30! But I'm stuck at school til 5:30 so I won't be eating. I've been giving myself really high calorie allowances lately cause I've been sick to my stomach from Prozac withdrawal and the food helps and if I try to go too low I binge like a mad woman. But I think I'm almost back to myself cause the symptoms are less often and less intense. (Nausea, headaches, always tired, irritable, stomach cramps and pains, extreme cravings, appetite, and binging) 

I'm at school now and it's snowing and nasty out and I really don't wanna drive back into town later cause I know I'll be crazy anxious and my fiancé will get mad and take it as a personal attack on his driving and say how I don't trust him. Like always. 

I have so much going on the next two weeks I could scream. My sons birthday party is Saturday, JLPT test Sunday, paper due Monday, then a bunch of other assignments due right after that. And all my biggest bills are due and we barely have enough to get by, sucks but I'll do what I can to push through. I probably won't post or update my weight til next week at least. 

I wanted to add thinspo to this post but can't right now. So I will on the next one. I hope I keep losing weight and continue with not binging. 

-Toxic

Really need to get my shit together.

So my weight this morning was 167.6 and I'm so pissed off at myself!!! >:(
Well today I did better with my food but lost count of calories cause I had a stupid peanut butter and jelly that someone else made and some chips for dinner. Didn't go to the gym like I wanted to either.

Tomorrow is Friday so I don't work :) going shopping for my nieces birthday present and gonna get some sushi at this awesome Japanese restaurant. I'll stop at Victoria's Secret too, I LOVE Victoria's Secret! I have coupons as well. I plan on going to the Disney store for my niece's present, and my son will be with me so that's gonna be fun. He loves Mickey Mouse. :)

Other than the sushi and maybe a skinny iced mocha from Starbucks I won't really have anything else. Salad or fruit for dinner maybe? Idk. I'm getting paranoid about my weight.  It's just out of control.

Also the Victoria's Secret fashion show is in 33 days according to their website. I'm really excited, it's great thinspo and fun to watch.

Speaking of, here's some thinspo I found that I really like. (It's mostly shopping themed thinspo)

I'm not gonna post much more. Think I'm getting sick so I'm gonna go take my vitamins, a bath, and make some peppermint tea. :) should be nice.

~Toxic

New start and a search for myself

Hey everyone :) My name is Toxic. Well that's what I've always gone by on here. I miss this site so much, I used to have a different blog which here is a link in case anyone is interested in it.

http://toxicwastedgal.blogspot.com/

I don't use it anymore. I'll give a new introduction since this is basically totally new and so much has changed for me since I've been here and most of the blogs I used to follow are no longer active.

I'm 24 years old a college student and work part time as a receptionist. I'm engaged and have a son who is almost 2. I've had issues with my weight, appearance, and self confidence for as long as I can remember and suffer from an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. This blog will be a personal blog but mostly focus on my food and weight. I do not consider it pro-ana, it is a personal reflection and diary. I don't encourage any of you reading it to follow in my footsteps. With that said... TRIGGER WARNING! If you don't wan't to be triggered into disordered eating habits and think what I say could trigger you then leave please. Otherwise proceed.

I've tried recovery in the past and almost succeeded, I even had a very healthy pregnancy a few years back and now a happy healthy baby, but a few months after he was born I began falling back into disordered eating habits and after fighting it and trying to stay recovered I gave in and am back into my ED. I have been diagnosed with EDNOS and later bulimia. Right now I don't really know what my ED would be classified as, but I've been restricting more and more and exercising more and more. I no longer purge. I do occasionally binge. I just want to live my life and be skinny and happy. It sucks that the two are one in the same for me but whatever... I will reach my goals.

I guess I'll post my stats

Height: 5'9"

CW: 166.2 (as of this morning) :(
GW1: 159
GW2: 155
GW3: 149
GW4: 130
UGW: 115

Next post I'll add some thinspo. If you have any questions or recommendations for posts put them in a comment. Also I'm looking for similar blogs to follow. :)

~Toxic