Scared to weigh myself now

I've been bingeing again and I know I've gained weight. Its 4 am and I just ate a cosmic brownie and some milk and then stopped myself from eating more but feel so out of control. I'm not sure if it's being influenced by the end of semester stress or all the things I know I still need to get done before winter break or my huge test I took Sunday or coming off my Prozac or my instability at my job and my finances or the holidays. I think it's a big combination of all of this. 

My stomach hurts. I binged on Chinese take out, cookies, cheese potatoes, and cosmic brownies before bed and I just hurt so much now. My body hates it and so does my brain so why do I keep doing this again? I need to stop. I was 149 in June and now December and I'm over 170 lbs. if I keep this up I'll be over 180 then 190 soon and I can't let that happen again.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym before work. I might get my friend to go with. I can vent to her about this and she will help. She understands what I'm gong through all too well because she also has disordered eating. I just need to cope without binging. It's just so hard right now. I have so much going on in my life at the moment. 

I'm going to be counting all my calories again and being careful what I eat. I will stop letting others influence what I eat and stop snacking on bad foods and binging at work. I do it all the time there. My time at work is spent constantly eating to get me through my day cause I'm having such a hard time at my job and can't emotionally handle it. Rather than eat I'll start doing other things like stepping out and taking breaks to just breathe.

This is getting to be harder than I thought. My binging has never been this out of control. Not for years. I want to be skinnier and not ache from being so fat and inactive all the time, and cope with this stress and these emotions without food like a normal person. My weight is spiraling out of control and I hate it. I feel bad saying this but it's making me miss bulimia. At least then I controlled my weight. 

I want to get better and I want to get thinner. This won't happen if I continue like this. Sorry I just really needed to vent and get that out. 

-Toxic